Friendship and consecrated life are two realities not easy to be put together and there can be many reasons for this problematic relation. Friendship is, sometimes, considered an obstacle, more than a help to community life; though the phenomenon was more frequent before the Council, even presently in our fraternities we speak of particular friendship as of a tie,  which privileges the relation with one sister and, consequently excludes the others from the relation. Therefore, it is considered as a menace to fraternal life, a source of division, an injustice against those who feel to have been put apart or deprived of an intimate relation which they long for. On other occasions the term friendship conceals really an immature way of being in relation, a relation characterised by infantile dependence more than by an adult bond.

This type of bond has assumed different forms: sometimes it reveals a pressing reciprocal need of being together, the need of seeking each other, of being always near, of sharing everything in a way which tends to discriminate, to marginalise the other members of the community. On other occasions, instead, one of the two partners of the friendly tie lives something like a subjection to and idealisation of the other who, in his/her turn, grows in the tendency of exploiting and using the partner to his/her service and personal advantage. Friendship may also be perceived as dangerous by an authority which, often unconsciously, lives its role as a power, constantly threatened by eventual attacks. The friendly relations are, then, perceived as possible alliances. The coming together of some sisters is interpreted suspiciously as a kind of coalition, whose aim is that of damaging the reputation of authority.

Friendship and fraternity

To live serenely the tie of friendship within the religious community, it is good that all the members may be acquainted with its characteristics and, consequently, its difference from the fraternal relations.

Out of all the possible forms of relations, which a person can weave, the specific form of fraternity is its diffusive character par excellence:  in fact, it cannot exclude any one, it cannot marginalise or keep out anyone, because it does not find its origin in a psychological dimension, like friendship and love, nor in a blood or visceral bond, like the family relations, but in an ontological reality which brings together every human being. We are sisters because we are creatures thought of and wanted by God, our creator, linked by deep bonds, such as the common humanity and the filial respect to a Father who has created us and loves us.

This bond of brotherhood or sisterhood is strengthened by the common belonging to a blood family or to a community united by shared values, as it happens with religious life. What turns consecrated beings into brothers or sisters does not necessarily come into play only by acknowledging ourselves as children thought and wanted by God, but emanates from the sharing of values, of ends, of one charism and mission. Consequently, no member of the community can be excluded from this relation,  neither for psychological reasons, such as the more or less sympathy, nor for the qualities, which characterise him/her or the power he/she exercises. Within the fraternity all the members are to be considered equal.  If there is anyone who can be paid more attention, this will certainly not be the most gifted, the most important, but the least and the simplest.

Friendship is also a diffusive kind of relation, as the English saying goes, "The friends of my friends are also my friends". In fact it is defined as the least jealous out of all affections¹.When friendship is exclusive, we rather consider it sick: in fact it cannot cling on itself, but needs to share, to participate, to confront and to question itself, to exchange views. To be diffusive is its main characteristic, which distinguishes it from the spousal love. This, by its nature, can be expressed fully only through the involvement with a unique person. When it tends to exclusion, to uniqueness, we find ourselves before its deformation, before a manifestation of dependence, a looking after reciprocal support, and, sometimes, even before a masked utilitarianism, rather than before an authentic friendship.

However, friendship is not universal like the fraternity, consequently, it cannot be open to each and everyone. In fact, friendship is not based on an ontological reality, on the common belonging to a human family, but on psychological factors such as, first of all, sympathy and common interests. To be truly friends, we are supposed to share an attractive, a passion, an affinity in the way of thinking and living in consonance.

It is, therefore, impossible to experience this reciprocity with all, even within a religious family. The common sharing of the same charism, in fact, does not demand a strong understanding at psychological and affective level. It is not necessary to have the same tastes and to experience the same sympathy with the sisters, whom we live with,  in order to experience a solid sense of belonging to a religious family: community life demands reciprocal love and respect, a love generated not by sentiments, but by the will and the adhesion to the Gospel. This is the deep bond which unites and creates fraternal relations; the nucleus of community life is here, while all other things, including friendship, are to be considered only a useful, desirable, but not indispensable surplus. Its refusal, however, in view of the above-mentioned danger, could impoverish the community and could be a source of uselessly heavy suffering for its members. Wherefore, it is important to look for criteria, which may favour a serene fraternal life, capable of containing and of drawing together relations of different types.

How to combine these two realities

What often renders it difficult to develop healthy relations of friendship, within the religious communities, is the exaggerated importance attributes to uniformity. This is often considered a value fit to safeguard justice, poverty and attention to the last ones. When this is applied too rigidly, it ends by building something like a cage. All the members are shut up within this cage, without leaving any incentive to the personal initiative, to creativity and to spontaneity of feelings. The most controlled and strict persons feel at ease in this community style which, however, risks to chase away those who are emotionally and intellectually more lively, but also more capable of creating deeper relations. A mature community welcomes and respects each of its members, even the last ones, the least gifted and, above all, those who emotionally might be defined as less loveable. The Gospel reminds us that bounty and attention must be paid to all brothers and sisters. This is the only way to realize our deep aspiration to hear the same words of sympathy and appreciation addressed to the first Christian communities (cfr Acts 4, 33-35). At the same time, a mature community knows how to welcome the differences present in itself, without imposing rigid and inflexible schemes: it tries its utmost to see that each sister feels loved and, simultaneously, accepts the presence of more intimate and intense relations between some of its members.

Jesus himself never used criteria of uniformity in his friendships: attentive towards all, he privileged a few persons, kept them closer, made them to partake in "special" moments of his life into which no other person had the access.  Jesus was not unjust in behaving so. He answered the logic of love and friendship, which requires that each relation be unique, personal and unrepeatable.

Behind the struggle against deep personal relations among the sisters, however, we do not find only rigidity and uniformity. In fact, the term particular friendship often shelters something different, very deep and intimately rooted motivations, yet never recognised and accepted.  Fear, envy and jealousy are often at the root of heavy conflicts in our fraternities. These conflicts at times burst out "openly", but in most cases, they break out in the typically feminine forms which tend more to gossip, insinuation and murmuring than to face the problems directly. Friendly persons often create fear. We are afraid of a possible alliance, we are suspicious and diffident, fearing that the relation may be a source of disharmony if not of division.  What is more feared, however, is the exclusion, the fault: in fact, friendship is perceived at an unconscious level, as "something which I have been deprived of";  it is difficult to rejoice at the sight of two or three sisters who love each other, because ipso facto we feel refused, excluded from the relation. If it had been offered to us, we would have accepted it joyfully and, perhaps, we would have created too narrow a relation of excessive dependence; however, since we feel "cut off" from it, we evaluate it negatively, just as if it were a menace for the whole community.

Friendship and authority

The leadership of the community plays a not easy management of the relation between friendship and fraternal life. Its task is, first of all, that of watching in order to prevent abuses. This implies the capacity of picking out the less mature communitarian dynamics: the too strict, tangled ties, jealousy and rivalries. The responsible person has to pay attention never to side this or that: he/she must be ready to listen to all, to understand the intentions and the opinions of each sister, avoiding to ally herself with a party against the others. His/her role demands the capacity of cooling down the souls, of proposing different readings of the same reality and, above all, of preventing envies and jealousies, whatever part they may come from.  However, a wise superior cannot allow the policy of absenting himself.. This would be an apparent solution of conflicts, which would complicate rather than solve the problems. She must know how to take a position, how to realise if a friendly relation is truly excessive, immature or even unhealthy, and how to verify if the accusation of "particular friendship" comes from real data or from envy, competition and jealousy.

Finally, the hardest task and, undoubtedly the most important one is, perhaps, that of being sincere to oneself. In fact, the one, who leader of the community life, is not free from conflicts: this implies, for instance, the possibility of perceiving unconsciously the service as a power and, consequently, to see it threatened by eventual friendships. In fact, the sister with whom many more desire to weave a deep bond, could be seen as a rival, a destabilising presence because she has more success and is loved more.

At the same time, the leader of the community will have to pay attention to her own friendships, so that they may not be a source of suffering for the others who feel excluded from them. For this reason it is useful to keep a time of silence, of privacy, to avoid excessive confidences, too tight bonds, and to tend, above all, to an interior freedom. It is not always easy to overcome the natural human tendency, which makes some persons more alike, more sympathetic and desirable than others.  It is, therefore important that he/she who presides the community may struggle every day, the heart may expand and, though cultivating intimate relations with the sisters after the example of Jesus, may grow in the capacity of welcoming each one in a unique and personal way.

The friend, custodian of the soul

In the consecrated life, however, friendship cannot be based only on sympathy and affinity. The psychological dimension, present at the beginning of such a tie and undoubtedly very important, is not sufficient to create a truly solid and deep affection. If we limited ourselves to forge links based on common interest and reciprocal understanding, the fundamental dimension of the person would be excluded: its natural orientation to God.

Commenting the passage of the Confessions², commonly known as The ecstasy of Ostia, a text which he considers exemplar, expressing fully the greatness of friendship, L. Boros highlights how a common knowledge is exercised in it: the encounter of two persons in which their whole being vibrates in unison. This possibility of catching the being of the other, this very rich experience at interior and relational level, does not exhaust the possibilities of friendship; in fact, together with the being, in the same act, one is touched also by the Absolute³.

This is even more real in the friendship between consecrated persons. A friendship can be considered truly such if it is spiritual and, therefore, moved and guided by the Holy Spirit, He who, in uniting the hearts, introduces them into a more intimate relation with the Father and the Son.  Aelredo of Rievaulx, the singer monk of the spiritual friendship, explains how this friendship must begin in Christ, develop in Christ and have Christ as its end and its perfection⁴. This means that the common interest par excellence for Jesus the Lord must be added to the indispensable psychological affectivity . This not only constitutes the deepest link, which unites the two persons, but represents also the major preoccupation within the bond. Rightly Aelredo says again that the friend is somehow the guardian of love or, as others prefer, the guardian of the soul itself⁵.  This, then, means that the friend has to take care of the other, to rejoice at his happiness, to tolerate his limits and, above all, to desire an ever more intimate and deep relation with the Lord: to feel as a specific task the need of favouring it, of letting  it grow, of promoting and safeguarding it.

The requisites of spiritual friendship

 For this reason, true friendship in the Spirit must have some essential requisites.

Spiritual friendship is, first of all poor, not demanding, not presumptuous: the friend welcomes, receives with gratitude and, at the same time, knows how to respect the times and the journey of the other. It is discreet, does not need too many words, useless talks, unending exchanges and, if he desires them, he is able to renounce to them. True friendship is also faithful, ready to welcome the other even in dark circumstances, in difficult seasons, when he needs to be supported, defended or finds it difficult to live a bond of reciprocity. The friend is sincere, does not cheat the other, does not manipulate him for his own interests; on the contrary his desire of good for the other demands purity of heart and the capacity of speaking the truth, even when this may be unpleasant and therefore not easy to manifest. It is also merciful, because it does not judge, does not express evaluations, but accepts always unconditionally.  Friend in fact, is he who understands and welcomes deeply all the feelings of the other; here we find the sweetness which derives from friendship, the happiness, the security and joy, which come from one with whom to speak as to oneself⁶;  one to whom you confide your falls without fear; to whom you are not ashamed of revealing the progress of your spiritual things, one to whom you can entrust all te secrets of the heart and disclose its projects⁷.

Like all other forms of love, friendship, too, knows its difficult moments. Pleasant as the company of the other and deep as the affinity may be, even this relation will at the end meet moments of fatigue and misunderstanding. The differences of feelings, of temperament, of views, all the diversities, which make the relation more attractive may provoke little or big conflicts. This means that, as all other bonds, friendship also cannot be left to spontaneity, but it requires a commitment, a specific will to grow and to deepen the bond. True friend, in fact, is he who knows how to step behind, how to create a space to the difference,  to respect uniqueness and, at the same time, is able to discuss, to make questions, when the thought or the acting of the other does not answer the ideals shared by both. To make space and to watch are two attitudes,  which make the spiritual friendship when it is truly such: wanting to see Christ growing in the other, according to the one whom the Gospel defines friend of the Spouse, and on whose lips puts these words full of wisdom: "He must grow more, I must grow less" (cfr Jo 3,30).

Note

1. C.S. Lewis, I quattro amori, Jaca Book, Milano 1980, p. 82. [back]

2. Agostino, Le Confessioni, IX, Biblioteca Universale Rizzoli, Milano 1989, p. 249. [back]

3. Boros L., Incontrare Dio nell’uomo, Queriniana, Brescia 1972, p. 80. [back]

4. Cfr. Aelredo Di Rievaulx,  L’amicizia spirituale, Cantagalli, Siena 1982, p. 89. [back]

5. Ibid., p.88 [back]

6. Cicerone, Dell’amicizia, 22. [back]

7. Aelredo, op.cit., p. 106. [back]